Fighting fair is essential to a great marriage, healthy home, getting along with your boss, doing any business deal, getting along with your neighbors, a thriving missional church and just about every aspect of your life.
There are three phrases that I consider cheap shots when fighting. These phrases dodge the conversation at hand and create tension. These phrases are indicators that a person doesn’t really want to discuss the issue–they just want to air their own opinion.
#1 “People are saying”
I can’t tell you how many times people pull this card…who is “people”? You, your wife, two best friends and maybe the church gossiper or community know it all. Come on, be a man! (or lady!) Own your opinion and thoughts. Don’t show your arrogance in a conversation by representing “People”. Most of the time this phrase is a cover up for your own opinion…say it..own it…don’t cop out by saying “people are saying”.
If you are listening to “people” stop. Stop meddling in quarrels that are not your own. You are only making the situation worse. Proverbs says, “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.” (Prov 26:20)
#2: ”God told me”
When people pull the God card it shuts down the conversation. I can’t tell you how many people use the God card. It sounds something like this, ”God told me…” , ”This is the way the Bible says it should be done.”, ”I was praying about this and ________”.
People use the God card often when talking about worship style. People have actually said to me, “This is how the Bible says we should do worship.” First–the Bible tells us WHO to worship not HOW to worship. Second–just be honest…you would prefer a different worship style. Don’t blame God, your church or even the Bible. The truth is God used a different worship style to transform your life. Be ok with this. But don’t misrepresent God or Scripture in this conversation. Don’t say, “I was praying about it and you, the church, should do more hymns.” or even worse, “God said the music is too loud.” Really? Get real. You weren’t praying about it. If so–God didn’t speak that to you. The truth is you like hymns. Great. I love hymns. But be honest about it. All you are doing is shutting down the conversation for any real and honest dialog.
Please don’t misunderstand me—God speaks to me all the time. I simply don’t misrepresent Him. Many times I will say, “Here is how I am feeling..” or “I’m really trying to get God’s will on this one.”
Sometimes when I am talking to people I want to say, “Stop embarrassing your Father.” (God). I say this because I would be embarrassed if my girls were talking to someone and they started to say, “Dad told me this”, “This is Dads’ will.” This would be dysfunctional. My goal as a dad is see my girls make their own decisions. God the Father wants His Word, His voice, His mission so grounded in our hearts that we just naturally do things according to His plan and will.
#3: ”I was only joking”
Proverbs says, “Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I was only joking!” (Prov 18:18-19)
I love humor. But humor should not be an excuse to hurt people. Sarcasm is hurtful. Comments made in jest build walls between people. You can’t say, “You are fat and then turn around and say, “I was only joking.” It doesn’t work that way.
People do this all the time. Humor creates culture in any home, organization, or church. Humor must be used wisely to build people, create community and moments of laughter together.
I actually have other phrases that drive me crazy but I thought I would only write about three…here are some others for conversation..
- My wife told me (how can I argue with your wife?)
- I am only being honest. (honesty is NOT an excuse to be rude)
- I was tired when I said that
- I am thinking about leaving the church (Stop with the childish threat to your pastor…leave)
- This is policy…
- I don’t agree with my boss either…but…
I can go on and on..the issue is: don’t dodge the converstion…have it. One on one. Own your opinion. State it in a Godly way. Don’t blame someone or something else.
What are some other comments that drive you crazy?
