I am a big believer that married couples need to create what I call a “No Kid Zone”…meaning there needs to be times every week (if not more often) when couples get away from the kids, spend some time together, see a movie, make passionate love and enjoy each other’s time together.
For 22 years Jana and I have what we call a date night. Currently this is on Friday nights. We love Fridays. This is the day for us…no kids, no ministry…just us. Over the years this has changed to other evenings and times. For full disclosure–things come up and there have been times when we skip a couple of weeks. Not every date night is full of magic and romance. This is called life. But having a simple commitment to date night has saved our marriage and kept a healthy rhythm to our lives and ministry.
The bottom line–get creative and carve out times for just the two of you. It may be a Saturday breakfast, sitting on the couch and talking once a week or having lunch together during the business day. I don’t know what this is for you–but get creative….do something for your marriage. Recently I have had some couples tell me this is why they love Saturday night church…they can go to church together and then grab a movie. I love it. Whatever works for you.
Why do I believe that every couple needs time without kids to nurture their marriage?
# 1. Pack the big suitcases first.
When you pack a trunk of a car–what do you do? You put the big suitcases in first..then all the small ones. If you put the small ones in first–the big ones never will fit. Determine what the big suitcases are in your life. For me–my relationship with Christ and marriage are the biggest suitcases I have. Even before my relationship with my two girls. Jana is first!! I can’t wait until I have “time” to pack this suitcase. I have to make sure Jana is the centerpiece of my life not an afterthought.
To say you don’t have time for your spouse is accepting the idea your marriage will die a slow death.
# 2. Your kids will move out one day—your spouse won’t.
So many parents put their kids over the health of their marriage. Big mistake. No doubt when the kids are young or even in High School you have to adjust your time and priorities around their schedule. But don’t get so busy with the kids that you neglect your own marriage.
One day your kids will leave home. I wouldn’t consider Jana and me “empty nesters” yet. My oldest daughter is busy working and leading in worship at New Life. My youngest daughter is in Springfield, Missouri at James River Leadership College. They both have rooms in the house. I guess at some level they will always have a room in their home. But here is the reality, one day my girls will leave the house. One day we can’t hide behind the kids. Jana and I have spent years investing into our marriage, romance and friendship. We still like each other. We still enjoy each other’s friendship.
# 3. A “No Kid Zone” sends a loud message to your kids.
My two girls know that dad and mom like each other. They know we date. Dating your spouse sends the message to the kids, “We love each other.”
Dads–the best thing you can do for your kids is to love their mom.
Moms–the best things you can do for your kids is to honor their dad.
We have to take control of our busy lives. Determine the things that are non-negotiable. Learn to say no to things that don’t matter. Your boss won’t be with you when you retire–your spouse will. Your spouse is more important than your job, your hobbies, your church commitment, the lawn that needs to be mowed, your favorite television show—-say “no” to some of these things. They are all the little suitcases…your spouse is the big deal in your life.
I have heard all the excuses, “I don’t have the money.”, “Who will take care of the kids?”, “A movie and dinner is so boring.” etc, etc, etc. Stop with the excuses. When you were dating–you would move the moon for each other. Yes, it may cost some money to create a “No Kid Zone”…but this is a lot cheaper than a divorce attorney and two mortgages because your marriage didn’t work.
Men, here is my challenge…right now, text your wife. Ask her on a date…tell her that the two of you need to find time together without the kids. Begin the conversation. Experiment with your schedule. Say “no” to other commitments. Say “yes” to your wife. Do it now!
